I got concerned when I realized my cuts were constantly burning. Nothing would decrease the pain. They begin to hurt at the worst possible moments. So, I saw the nurse today. I even saw the doctor. Now, I'm kicking myself for getting into that mess. My mom is asking questions now and I honestly don't know how to answer them. How can I tell her I did that to myself?

Everytime I look at my scars, I feel ugly. I don't know why I started doing this. People can't help me if I don't know what's wrong either. I hide this secret. This is far from over. Even though the scissors are in the dumpster, I feel that it wasn't really important. It doesn't help my emotional instability---my distorted reality---and now I have to work on my emotional eating. What have I done?

I'm beautfully broken. I want to believe in hope again. I went to a book discussion today. We discussed how to find hope in our hopeless society. I went there to help myself find a way out of my pessimistic attitude. It seems impossible, but somehow I believe that it's possible. One person at a time, one moment at a time, one action at a time can truly make a difference.

I went to InterVarsity tonight. It started out good. I felt like part of the group again. But disaster struck. I began doubting my self-worth again. It's a cycle that I want to break. I just don't know to get out of those moments yet. I refuse to give up. Time does heal. It's time for faith to step in and save the day.

"Hope is believing in spite of the evidence, then watching the evidence change." Jim Wallis 

I wish they could really bad right now. I don't even want to see these people. This sounds mean, but it really isn't. You had to be there to believe me. It's a messy situation. It's what happens when things go wrong. It forever changes you, for the good and the bad. It won't be the same again. No turning back, I scream. I cry when nobody's looking. I hide my secrets to protect them. They don't need to know they damaged me. It's over. I don't like him anymore. Except there's one problem. I don't like how I handled the situation. Forgiveness is a difficult concept to understand. Forgiving other people isn't enough. Sometimes you need to forgive yourself. Yet I'm finding it difficult to do that. I'm stuck on the road to nowhere. I'm going through the motions, sticking to my routine until this is officially over. I'm looking forward to the day he graduates and is out of here. Here's something I won't admit to him. There'll always be a part of me that will hold on to my misguided crush. Who in the right mind likes someone who's already in a relationship? That was how I felt for a long time. I live by a new motto: I don't believe in crushes but I stand for mutual attraction.

It has been one of those days. No science class means freedom. Attempting to make a book out of scrapbook paper didn't work out. It was a class project. Not getting upset over a good grade in a Music exam helped move things along too. I'm a perfectionist. Usually, I freak out if I come so close to getting a perfect score. It's never easy, but I'm getting better at it. Okay, good grade. Move along now. Random moments in class today. It went by really fast today. Taco Soup at the Ecumenical Center. I needed that. I was in a good mood for once.

I'm trying to write a response paper for World Music. At least I started it. That's saying a lot right now. My mind is still on Spring Break. Focus: I have an exam tomorrow. In one of my worst subjects. College prepares you for life in ways you wouldn't expect. I love it here. It's where I belong. It's challenging and fun at the same time. I'm in a weird situation right now. I'm experiencing a Battle of the Minds. To give up or not give up IV is a question that is always on my mind. I don't think I could give it up completely because they're my second family. I need a break. I'm trying to figure out how to grow in my faith. Maybe they served their purpose. Maybe I need something else to guide me in the right direction. I'm in the questioning stage. Do I really believe what I follow? Or is it based on how I was raised? Tough questions and answers. I wonder and I pray.